I Just Want You

Lord, I don’t need to make decisions

— don’t need to establish a predetermined posture —

on my “doctrine” about why and how You work.

I just want You.

This has become my prayer in response to the book I’m currently reading — a book that is unravelling me. In Every Bitter Thing is Sweet, Sara Hagerty writes about “tasting the goodness of God in all things.” In the midst of the deepest losses, Sara describes the hunger God was creating in her — an alluring for “an intimacy with God beyond circumstances.” Even from the middle of a seemingly endless journey through the wasteland of barrenness, she writes, “He asked me for allegiance in the face of his no.”

Over a year after the “no” I received about healing my dad from cancer, the loss of him still hurts more than I have words for. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why God chose not to heal him this side of Heaven — or why He also constantly blesses us with so much, beyond our most fearless of dreams. Yet I am learning from Sara that all of our circumstances — both happy and sad — reveal a sweetness in the reach for the Savior, a miracle found in finding Him, that makes the external conditions mere afterthoughts.

I want to move beyond the spoiled child mentality of reaching for the next blessing and counting all the pain in this life as not of Him. I want to find Him in all of it. I want everything in my life to push me to hide in Him my Refuge, to seek His Heart and to let Him heal mine.

I don’t have to understand it all. I don’t. And I’m tired of putting pressure on myself to come up with a “plan” about what I believe about the God who’s walked with me my whole life yet I’m just beginning to know. Suddenly, Proverbs 3:5 takes on a fresh new life in my heart: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

I just want You, my Jesus.

And with this ragged, desperate prayer, that pressure dissipates and makes room for healing, makes room for Him.

“For to have Jesus, really have him, is to have the greatest treasure in all worlds.” – John Eldredge

References:

Sara Hagerty – http://sarahagerty.net/

John Eldredge – http://ransomedheart.com/

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